Ok, Ive been putting off writing this blog bc I knew it was gonna be hellaciously long but I might as well go ahead and get it out the way. Im gonna be pretty upfront and blunt in these updates and Im sure some feelings are probably gonna get hurt just as some people are gonna be pissed…Oh well! Lets get on with it…

Over the last few months to say my life has been a shitload of ups and downs would be an understatement. Im gonna try to give the abridged version so this wont bore everyone to sleep. Well, most of you knew I was out on disability again from February to July. I went back to work in July and my boss told me that part of my time wasnt covered by Met Life (the disability company) so I needed to contact them. Upon doing so I found out my nit-wit ass doctor hadnt submitted my paperwork since back in April so ML had closed my claim. However my doctor assured me she wud get everything updated immediately so everything was cool…or so I thought. Come August 19th my boss tells me he needs to talk to me, pulls me into a conference room with the Assoc Director to politely tell me that they were firing my ass bc ML never updated the info and as far as they were concerned, the time out was simply looked at as excessive absences so I had to be terminated. Needless to say, I went the phuck off! I went home called ML to which I was advised that my doctor still never sent the paperwork. Ofcourse, me being the black woman that I am, called my doctor and went off 10 ways from Sunday and told her I was coming to her office. This trick gonna tell me she went on vacation and forgot to send the paperwork when I had called her previously to. WTF?? Bitch your job is to sit and listen to my woes and submit phucking paperwork…what the hell u mean you forgot??? I was 38 hot. It wasnt like I simply got a reprimand…I GOT FIRED! So I stand over her while she sends all the paperwork. I call ML to make sure they received it so it could be processed. So, I wait my usual 5 business days, which is what it normally takes for them to approve my paperwork, then I call to find out the status to which Im advise bc the case was closed and had to be appealed it was gonna take 45 days. 45 DAYS??!! I cannot sit at home with no pay for 45 days! They apologize and basically say “oh well, deal with it” Not to mention I cudnt file for unemployment bc it could affect the reinstatement of my job so I literally have to sit and do nothing. Finally 3 weeks later ML calls and says all is approved. Woo hooo! So I call Verizon to advise and find out about me being reinstated and these bitches are gonna tell me they arent reinstating me bc I missed too much time in Mar 2008. Yes, I said MARCH 2008. So Im confused as phuck bc we work on a 12 rolling calendar so how you gonna look at something I did a year and a half ago?? Of course I escalated to upper management but again, they claim they cudnt reinstatement bc of all the time missed. Now my thing is this….if you fired me for a SPECIFIC set of time that wasnt covered and then it was discovered it was a error and that time was corrected and covered, how can u then go find something else and say thats why u not reinstating me? So, naturally everyone told me to contact a lawyer and sue bc that has wrongful termination written all over it. I thought about it but honestly, I really dont have the energy and mentality to go thru all of that so my azz is looking for a new job.

Now ofcourse thru all of this finances were already jacked up bc I had been out on disability for 5 months, which 2.5 werent paid so losing all income completely didnt help at all. Due to that, Im losing my apt. I have to be out by the 26th. Yea that sucks. Ive been on my own since I was 17 yrs old, having to give that up coupled with the fact Im anti-social and agoraphobic makes living with someone quite difficult if not damn near impossible. But I dont really have much of a choice. This bring me to the next part of where I will be living. This is the complicated part. At the end of it all I will be going to stay with my friend GiGi and her boyfriend. Not my ideal great situation but again, my options are limited bc Im not trying to pay $150 – $200 a week to stay in a hotel. Now I have issues with staying there for multiple reasons but Im not gonna speak on that too much bc quite frankly, thats where I need to lay my head for now. Moving on, I do have a couple other “possible” alternatives but to be honest I really dont think they are beneficial situations either (i.e. staying with male friends who have feelings for me) so thats why Im not even going there. Im sure everyone has seen on my YIM taglines that I been in a foul mood lately…lemme explain why. The living situation option that I was actually looking at was moving to North Carolina with my ex. And Im sure Im about to put myself out there with what Im about to say but phuck it, it is what it is. This ex has been in my life for 8 years now. For the sake of easier writing, lets just call him “T”. So…moving on, T and I have 8 yrs off and on history together. Some good, some bad. Nevertheless we’ve always just kinda ‘been there’ so we figured why not try to make a go of it again? He currently lives in another city in GA but is relocating at the end of the month and asked me to move with him. Now Im not gonna go into ALL of the details but basically I have an issue with the way that the offer is posed to me but nevertheless after a few days of contemplating, I finally say yes. Then he says “oh but your cat cant come”. Hold on, stop the bus. You have lost ya mind playa. Anyone who knows me knows damn well I am NOT leaving my cat so I said fuck it, if he cant go, neither can I. And T just says “ok Im cool with that” WTF? Now you guys may not be confused but understand this is someone who has asked me to marry him more than once and still says that he is in love with me and wants to be with me. Well, apparently not that bad! I mean, he didnt offer alternative suggestions, nothing. Just a “oh well”. So Im livid but I keep quiet….for a few days anyway. Then I speak on the issue. Cmon now, how u gonna say u wanna be with me but not even look at alternatives to working this out? So I suggest some alternatives (which do NOT include giving up my baby ofcourse) and he says cool. Ok great. Now comes another excuse…he says well how about I (meaning him) move and you (meaning me) wait 2 months then come to NC. Umm….hello….did u miss the memo that I HAVE to move out of here, like NOW? Time is of the essence. What the hell am I supposed to do for 2 months and wtf is the point of waiting 2 months? When the offer was initially extended to me there was no waiting period. He wanted me to come right then. So whats different now? You know my alternatives and you wud rather me do that or be on the street instead of coming now? And how does that say that u care about me or my well-being? So we go back and forth on this issue for days. And I know some of this isnt clear to those who dont know the whole story but the bottom line of it is theres is absolutely no reason for me waiting two months then moving. Reason being, Im supposed to get a truck, put my stuff in storage, find somewhere to stay for 2 months, in that time possibly find another job just to have to quit and move all my stuff AGAIN in 2 months? WTF for? Thats stupid, a waste of money and a waste of time and unnecessary stress and strain. So then he comes out with he needs the 2 months to make sure that he wants to do this and he is sure about everything. Hold on…didnt u think about that BEFORE u asked me a month ago to move with you? NOW u wanna say because of all the things we’ve been thru over the 8 yrs u have to make sure that this is the right thing to do. I look at it like this, if after 8 DAMN YEARS if you arent sure about me now, you never will be. And 2 months aint gonna change that. And if that was a concern, you shud have never made the offer in the first damn place! Then after we argue about that he says well he also needs to make sure that everything is cool with his job transfer and all this. Now again I say, did u not think about this BEFORE u asked me to move in the first place? So why is this a issue now but it wasnt a couple weeks ago? My mother thinks he didnt think I was gonna say yes bc hes asked before and I always said no so he figured I wud again. I dunno but I dont have time for bullshit. Either we are gonna do this or we arent. We’ve been back and forth for 8 years. 8 YEARS! The shit has to end at some point. In his words, piss or get off the pot. So I put my foot down. Plain and simply I said either I go now or I dont go at all. Im not waiting 2 days, 2 weeks or 2 months. If you arent ready to do this then forget you knew me and go on ya merry way. That may sound harsh but again, you have to know all the history. Theres ALOT that Im not speaking on. Granted Im in a jacked up position and I dont have too many viable moves but Im not gonna be pulled like a puppet on string either. Fuck that! So, clearly to me, if youre more than willing to let the woman you claim to love be on the street or in a unhealthy situation when u have the means to do something about it then that speaks volumes above everything else. My last straw was Wednesday when he came to visit and still wanted to talk the same shit. If I told u before u got here nothing u could say or do is gonna change my standpoint then if that was your game plan, why even come. I mean what I said. Yes, I love the shit outta him, I truly do but I love me more and if he cant love me as much as I love me and care about my mental health and well being then he dont deserve me. Period. So, needless to say, Im not going to NC. And maybe thats for the best. Who knows. He was always the one that I wondered “what if”…”what if we had the chance to make it work again, could it actually work?” Part of me wanted to believe that it could but we have so many other issues, especially communication, that I think deep down I knew it wudnt have worked. Its kinda hard to deal with someone who basically shows no respect or compassion for your feelings. At all. So, although, I am hurt, I will admit, I’ll get over it. I dont have a choice but to. I just look at it like this, he lost out on 1 helluva woman. Yes, I have my flaws and insecurities but I know that Im a damn good woman and will hold it down for any man that Im with. We waited 8 years for us to finally have another chance to make a go of it just for him to act like the same ass he did 8 years ago. Life’s a bitch and Love’s a muthafucker, aint it?

Going to the next issue, we’ll have to back track a little bit. Im sure alot of people knew that last month (Sept) I went to Hawaii. That situation was insane. I will give some insight on what happened but not all. Basically, Sept was a rollercoaster month for me bc I lost my car. And when I say ‘lost’ I mean it was repossessed. So I am now jobless AND carless. Aint that a bitch?!! That car meant the world to me bc it was the last thing Bear got for me before he died. I did everything I could to keep it, but I guess I just came up short. Anyway, my best friend/coworker introduced me to her nephew (who lives in Hawaii) one day bc he had some questions about blackberries and since Im a phone guru she wanted me to talk to him about it. I did. Then she calls me later and tells me he wants me to call him back. So i do thinking he has some more questions about the phone and he wants to actually have a conversation and get to know me. LOL. I was like WTF?? But nevertheless we talked and it was a good convo. He as well as my best friend are very spiritual and are always trying to strengthen my faith. Long story short she had told him about everything going on with me and that I had just been having a rough ass time the last few months so he decided that I needed a break and a chance to just breathe so the very next day he booked me a ticket to come to Hawaii for a week. Yep, that simple. Crazy wasnt it? I knew him technically for all of 24hrs lol. I knew him thru my best friend ofcourse bc its her family but we had never officially met before that day. But I must say I have to have mad respect for a man who simply out of the blue would pay an absurd, and I do mean absurd amount of money for a woman he barely knew to fly her halfway around the world just bc she needed a vacation. But hell, who would turn down a all expense paid vacation for a week in Hawaii? No strings attached, no expectations? Im crazy but even Im not THAT crazy! So, it went just like that. We spoke on the 6th he told his aunt he was gonna fly me out that same day, he booked my ticket on 7th and I flew to Hawaii on the 16th. I think him flying me out was really a test though. Everyone knows Im agoraphobic so flying is a issue for me. Needless to say I was drugged up like hell while flying, although I miscalculated my meds on one leg and when I got in Phoenix AZ I fell da hell out. And yes, I mean literally. They almost grounded my azz. I can laugh now but that shit was not funny then. Flying doesnt scare me, the airport does. But I sucked it up and made it thru. Partially bc I didnt wanna waste his money that he came out of pocket with for the ticket and second bc when was I ever gonna get another chance to go to HI for free??? So, I made it. Sickly, but I made it. We had a good time there. The local cuisine is awesome. Its expensive as hell though! OMG!! Its ridiculously expensive! But he did manage to get me out of the house a bit. I went to a play and a jazz club and the best part…the beach!! OMG it was SO beautiful!! I dont know how its spelled correctly but we went to Lanicai Beach. White sand, crystal blue water. It was so awesome. I even befriended a sea turtle who didnt wanna seem to leave me alone. All in all it was a really good trip and Im glad I got the opportunity to go. The only thing that cud have made it better is being there with a boyfriend/girlfriend or significant other. Yea, its cool with friends, but its not the same. Nevertheless I would love to go back again. Just gotta make sure I got plenty money saved LOL.

Ok, so thats what been going on in my sad little life. Sorry it took so long to update but needless to say Ive been quite depressed and not in a good place lately. So now you guys know why my mood has been so crappy. Wouldnt yours be too? Anyway, I need to go pack. I act like I dont have to be out of here next weekend. Im really trying to dig deep for the motivation to pack bc right now I really have none but I know it has to be done. Ugh. Well, I guess I will bring this to a close for now. Im sure mouths are waggling on the floor by now. Lol. It is what it is. People keep saying what doesnt kill me will make me stronger…well, by now, I shud be able to take down Hercules.

So, until next lifetime….